sad day

Tonight I found out a close friend is moving away. A close friend whom I have been blessed to watch her son for the last 2 weeks and a couple months or possibly a few beyond that more. Not only that, she is moving in less than a week. I feel a double edged sword. I knew that this was a possibility in the future but with little warning it felt like a distant future.This changes my school year now as Eva is back to being home alone with just me but I am certain that God has that covered. In the same instant I lost a babysitting job I can gain another. I could also sub more at several schools, but truth be told I really wanted 1 more year at home with my baby. This time is so short and I will never get to do it again. Faith comes not by sight or circumstances in front of us. I have ordered steps to walk within, that is not the real reason for my sad feelings.
In my lifetime I have had a very select few really close friends. In grade school it was Mandy. In middle school and early High School it was Chelsea, and in High School Tammy. As an adult I have had several for a time. Each one of these friends were in my life for what is a blink of an eye and I suppose that is how it goes. Amy being the longest lasting friendship. She seems to weather the distance and time with me. Though sadly right now she too is far enough away it is easy to be removed from each others lives at times.
As a mom I always thought I would have someone to go through the various challenges with. To share, compare and bounce ideas off. I look at my SIL and her best friend who have 2 kids near the same age, though one went on to have a third. Then a had a few babies and thought maybe it would be when I had a child in school. Nope not then. OK I told myself, when my kids are in activities I will 'belong'. Then it was when #2 goes to school, cause she is more of a joiner and crowd pleaser. Alas, nothing. Not PTO, not dance, not Tae Kwon Do. Heck most of my kids other activities are within the group of moms I used to teach their kids. Sure we can chatter a time or two on the benches but that is too late to be in their group.
Even on the mom site I belong to it seems there are many who have a close mom friend and then the larger group. How much more does this mom website mean to me now? It was after all that very place that I met this friend. I am vested there, and couldn't imagine the years ahead without those ladies who do not live near me but are there when I need them. I pray that those who feel like close friends, despite the limited amount of time we spend in each other's company know just how priceless they are. A few are even reading this right now.
Denial comes in many forms. I had taken a deep sigh, invested myself in this friendship looking forward to what would come ahead. I suppose all the while denying the reality that she was not vested in this city like I. I will watch her son grow via Facebook in the coming years. Maybe someday we will visit Texas and see her again. #4 may or may not remember beyond pictures in scrapbooks of her early days in love with this little man. He will do the same with regards to us.
I guess I will look at sowing seed in this young life. Giving him things his parents cannot by way of my many children and his time in my home. During the upcoming months ahead he will need a mom figure cause his will be miles away. I do not know how she will handle being separated from her only child for that time but sometimes we have to do hard stuff for the end result.
Tonight as I sat with 3 of my children reading books, wrestling with Daddy, then made my way around from 1 to all 4, in the space between room to room I had a realization. I understand that this is yet another moment that I need to cling to my husband and not others. I need to find our way together, to share the ups and downs with him. I must better know how he calculates in order to bounce ideas, overcome and enjoy these crazy parenting times. I have to trust that he is my friend if I let him in.
I have an amazing home that so many others have reminded me how they too felt the peace within. I have all my family needs to create memories together, to be fulfilled and happy. We are blessed by so many people that sharing our blessings and watching them fly away is really ok. I just wish I hadn't set my expectations here. I wish I could have it all. But then again I know I can. I just have to clear my eyes and change the view. I already do have it all...