Rough days
However, I can safely say I took numerous moments to heart while alone with 3 of my kids at various times this evening. First, #1 and I had some down time while #2 began her first competitive cheerleading class. Thursday's are the 1 hour days instead of the normal 1 hr 45 min days, and it being very warm out this limited errand choices. Remembering that I was physically tired I swung into Bob Evans where I had a 2.00 off coupon and LOVE their cappicino's that are much more like fancy hot chocolate than coffee. I allowed #1 to order a soda and chedder bite things which is a RARE treat. He was giddy, and we played tic tac toe. There was no major chatter to document other than him being so proud to have a secret to keep with me regarding the trip.
A short time later #1 went to TKD (Tae Kwon Do) class I was then alone with #2. This time we needed to go to the grocery store as the end of the evening was near. I suprised her with selecting chocolate. She is a true "typical" girl in that fashion as she chooses Hershey Bars or almond Hershey Bar most of the time. She looked over the competition schedule and demonstrated the new cheers and fun. We had a moment while shopping for tomato plants. She held my hand and then I put my arm around her and we walked in silence for a bit. I love that her and I can do this, #1 well he never really stops talking to just be together without an electronic to ensure silence. She on the other hand can talk, or not talk. I held her closer and asked if she ever had a day kinda like mine where you are just not feeling like your normal self etc. I aplogized for being edgy and she accepted not commenting either way about what she felt. I am grateful to be so real with these kids in order that they learn how to be human and not expect perfection of themselves within reason.
Lastly, #4 *sigh*. She is my shadow, my sidekick, my confidant and my nemesis all wrapped in one. She is so far from a baby these days and sometimes I watch her in awe that she is so smart, so big, so equipped to be like a adolescent yet still only 3. One moment I wish for a break, but that passes quicker than I can even type because the everpresent reality that this is IT has rubbed my heart raw. Having my oldest nephew graduate high school this year promises it goes faster than you know.
At the end of the day when I should have retreated to my room and snuggled in bed with the fading kiddos too I just couldn't. I needed an outlet for my stress and since running was out of the grand scheme I resorted to priming the duck fence, well starting it anyway. I know crazy is the word for the things I do, over zealous in project completetion etc. I fast as lightning changed my clothes, clipped on the ipod shuffle and snuck out back. 10 min in to my work littlest arrived home. I was briefed on the tball injuries by #3 at his practice then #4 began. She asked why there was each new sound, (cicada's, truck on nearby road, frog on the pond and on), she asked where each noisemaker was located, why Daisy or Minnie did whatever. She asked about the plane in the sky and where it was headed, she asked why I was painting the fence, could she help too, why does G-ma and G's house look orange, who will wake her up in the morning, do I have to put the gate up on her door at bedtime, how long till night night, where are we going tomorrow, can we go to ___ or ___. On and on and on it all came like wildfire travels. I eventually stopped the music because it was a lost cause to head to that happy zone and bantered with her never raising my voice or giving in to annoyance.
I am certain I will feel as though I lost 50 pounds when she doesn't hover anymore and I resemble a singular presence. Oh how sad that makes me because every last she hits it is like I am losing each of them all over again. Boy I so wish I understood how this all feels way back when. Hindsight is 20/20 and somehow these rough days are a little less rough. Thank you Father in Heaven for allowing me to mature enough to see all this clearly even while in the moment.
I pray you all make it through your rough days just as well if not better. The sun will come out tomorrow:)
how did i miss this blog entry? I so feel you on this one!! When Magnus is throwing his latest temper tantrum, or telling me to "go away!" I try to remember how sweet he is MOST of the time and that this too shall pass. Still there are days when I long for a nice quiet room with a locked door some good music and a good book or show to watch. I was just remarking to Roxanne on Facebook the other day that I have not had a single solitary day alone to myself since Gavin was born and wasn't I due a few days alone in my own house with no husband and kids? Then I remembered how tiny and small they used to be, the itty bitty toes and fingers and the smell of baby shampoo, and realizing this is it. I can donate the baby swing, get rid of the pack and play and as soon as he grows out of his crib that will go by by too. All of a sudden I thought "there will be plenty of days without kids underfoot much sooner than I want, they will get bigger, have their own friends and thier own lives and mom will be just too uncool to be around". Then it hit me....I don't want my babies to grow up..plain and simple and impossible. Who knew this motherhood thing would be so bittersweet.
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