Abandoned

Imagine a place so quiet, so still you feel as though nothing exists.
This place is like nowhere you have ever been, mountains and valley’s to discover hidden deep within.
Dark and scary beyond the light of day this place is more than just a wealth of treasure sure to be found.
It is knowledge and truth, breaking apart what once was to be and instilling a new view for the future ahead you see.
Love and answered prayers come in forms unknown. Who knew what it was like to be fully grown?
A young girl, clueless in her trek is now older more mature.
What does the end look like; can I ever know for sure?

That is where I sit many a day. My mind wanders about, thoughts whirring from topic to topic. There is only an echo in my head to reply. You see I was at first sucked in to the online world of sites like Face book and beyond. I crave feedback, interaction, Bueller..Anyone? But one must be fulfilled not by man alone but from above. So, knowing that how is it that I morph what I am and need into a cup runneth over from another source not here and now? Especially now, when my life has begun a new journey down yet another unexpected road.
I mean in my original plan (ok well plan number 547 that was developed covering this current year) I would have headed back to full time teaching as #3 headed to K. Instead I feel led to be home just one more year. It seems that K is the hardest year for sickness etc, plus having 3 in school means there just is more they need. Weird huh how school age kids need more than younger but it is true. They are more active, more effort in a very different way than before. Their schedule is not always mine anymore. Things that God bless my well meaning husband are not the person to be. PLUS, I have one year with just #4. Just #4, to say that over and over seems so foreign that I feel like it is an untruth.
I have yet to be home with just one child, not working full time since oh never! I mean when #1 was born I was in full time school which meant he went to G-ma’s house many times every week. Let that be a lesson to you all kids, finish your degree before you get married because otherwise you will want to have kids before you are done.
Then I also worked PT. He turned 1 and I began my first teaching job. When I finally did stay home again there were 2 and then 3. Babysitting niece and nephew began and then another here and there totaling 7 children possibly adding a friend sleepover a time or two also.
#4 was never really a baby to me. I wished her to grow up while in the womb, then from one to 2 as well. I am so over the baby world and embraced the idea by selling every item as quickly as I could. That doesn’t mean I haven’t mourned the never experiencing the joy of being pregnant/having new life thoughts. But fully aware that I no longer have what it takes to be that role daily. I am a mom to many, a teacher to all and reveled in teachable moments, intellectual (well elementary level intellect) experimental realm of life with “big kids”. Big kids who are not too big to play with mom, dance with mom or learn from mom that is. How I will mourn the loss of this stage to the teenage world of no snack shop and science experiments during the summer days.
Today, tonight really I feel abandoned. The niece and nephew who spent all day with me and #4 excited by our adventures and enthralled in my kingdom of Aunt town disappeared with little to no goodbye. My 3 went off today nervous, unsure and hopeful for their year ahead again no remorse for their time missed with me. I am lad for that too because they need to move forward, just can’t help the sting too. My husband also has his other life at a job which frustrates him and tugs at his emotion of disgust. All these people are engrossed in their own world far from mine for at least the next few months. My world it seems is standing still. Hmmm, shouldn’t I grab the bull by the horns and make something amazing from this opportunity. Why do I feel defeated, alone and confused? Surely I know how to be one on one? In the teaching field that is most precious a time, parenting too. Yet, like my children sitting at the new desk, in a classroom never before in, I feel I stand dazed and confused. In order to be readily available to those I love the most I must be flex and sway to needs ever-changing. I HATE not having a schedule, a plan with order and predictability. This is a plan but who wants to be at the mercy of others beck and call?? (God bless my mother for holding that role down better than anyone I ever imagine I will know).
Balance..that was my motto for 2010. I intended to learn how to balance who I am with who my family needs me to be. To take time for me, time for my husband, time for my kids and what needed to be written first time for God. I suppose this is the test of how well I have studied up during my crash course. Just 4 more months to demonstrate the grand knowledge which will be deemed a work in progress.
I suppose this too shall pass, and I will soon be typing about my boundless adventures into this new land of only one.