Suddenly I see

 16 years… I have been a mother for 16 years. My firstborn son has taken me into unchartered waters. More times can I add up. This journey of his and mine has been far from easy. In fact, it has been downright daunting. He was born just shy of 5 weeks early, a mere 5-pound baby with an extra finger to boot. From the very start, we experienced a variety of doctors and indefinite unknowns, from hips dislocated to large hip joints, macrocephaly, seizures, lung issues, mastocytosis, low muscle tone, and a slew of other words not worth adding to the list. Being new parents helped because often being naïve is much easier to remain in faith. I rode along the journey asking questions, seeking answers, praying, believing, and standing my ground that no matter what THEY said, God was the redeemer of all things and had a purpose for this kid. Surgery after surgery, diagnosis after diagnosis, and hospitalization after hospitalization spurred me to push ahead. You see, this headstrong only child NEEDED to fight. I admit I wasn't as mature as I am and made plenty of mistakes along the way. But grace existed around every corner. We always found favor with doctors who saw how bright-eyed and responsive Joey was inside the body that wasn't. His doctors and therapist constantly fought for him, or at least after I fought with them, too, because he never gave up.

10 years passed by, and the hard knocks of setbacks hit home. The harsh truth of unkind children in public school was too much. The bullying began, and even a teacher chose to demean instead of encourage, and things got out of hand. Now, I am not saying all public school is wrong but let's be honest, kids are cruel, and administrators' hands are tied sometimes. We must ALWAYS be our child's advocate, involved and aware. It was as though that day, the light bulb had turned off. Life was just plain hard for Joey, and he no longer had the fight he once had. Having been a public school teacher for 8 years, I was there every step of the way, but it wasn't enough. Once again, God made a way where it seemed there was none, and private school became an option. The first private school could have been better, but a step in the right direction. Sadly, I cannot say this switch fixed what had already been done, but it stopped the harm. Hindsight tells me I wasn't praying about this but going through the motions.

At this point, once dedicated and determined, my son became a typical pre-teen/teen, well, at least what the world says is typical. The medical issues were manageable; we learned he had an extra chromosome explaining 1 piece of his problems. But then something new would pop up, and I would have to intercede again. My highly supportive and actively involved husband stood by as I took the lead in our responses. For him and us, this way of life was often a roller coaster of ok or not ok. I lost myself in being a mom. Isn't this true, no matter what state your children are in? We set aside who we were to be what they needed. In hindsight, being 20/20 wasn't always the right choice, either. I needed to stay strong and balanced to be the parent I was called to be. To the mom reading this and you feel a tug at that statement, you could learn from my mistakes and make it a priority to show your kids balance too. Aren't we teaching them what kind of person to be for their future?

So, what about me in this story? 18 months ago, I was an avid runner, running 6 days a week. The exercise was and has always been a place of serenity for me. In the movie 'What a Woman Wants,' it was best described in the commercial idea pitched. When I run, I am alone, free from everything; there is nothing but me and the road. That vein of thinking is not entirely true because God is always there. Some days were spent marveling at the beauty of all he created. On other days it consisted of an argument or venting my frustrations.

Even more accurately, there were times nothing but my thoughts, the type of stereotype of women, raced around like the path of a tornado far from connected to my heavenly father. Nonetheless, one of these times, I felt him tell me I was preparing for a battle. You cannot hear from God if you never get quiet and listen. I knew I needed to heed this warning and get myself built up spiritually to be ready for whatever was coming my way. I had no idea what or who the battle involved, but I listened and got prayed up. It's funny because one would think I would not have been hurt or upset when it presented itself, knowing its coming. But I was… a lot. I did what I felt led to do, but after a few months, it resolved itself, and I let my guard down. This is the part in the movie when you yell at the tv, saying, "NO, watch out!" That one thing was not the end; it was the beginning of a series of battles. I was at war; victory only gave me a reprieve to be ready for the next. For the last 18 months, I have been fighting on and off for what I assumed was my children's future, but now I realize it was also for my own. God told me he had something ahead for me and gave me plenty of clues, but I was so focused on this mom gig that I missed MY purpose here too.

3 months ago, I once again heard the gentle but clear prompting of what I joke is what I will be when my kids grow up. Who knew that was even a thing? But now, with 2 teens and a 3^rd one to join them this year, it IS a thing. As a mom, they needed me to be about them, still used in the process, but my purpose hinged on them being equipped for theirs. In 8 years, I will have all 4 kids in college/beyond my ultimate care. 8 years used to seem so long, but the older you get, the more aware you are that time is fleeting. If I am to be all that I am called to be, I must not waste EVEN a SECOND in this stage of preparedness. I sense the urgency of the short time here and my daily choices either to build myself and others up or tear them down. They either get me to my calling or force God to use someone else in my place. Not only me, but every moment for this 16-year-old boy with one HUGE story gets closer to his purpose or pulled away. God wants to use HIM, YOU, and the US. But he cannot do that if for even once I believe the lie that it is normal and thereby ok to waffle at this age, to not be motivated and driven toward a goal. That is NOT God's view, but the way of the world. Realigning my thoughts to his word makes all the difference in seeing that truth.

16 years ago, I told my husband I wanted all of our kids to go on a mission trip before they left our home. I know just how much the awareness of the world outside our comfortable circle needs to be seen. 8 months ago, Joey stepped out in faith and said HE was going on this Israel trip. I had already been looking fervently with organizations for the right choice but hadn't found one that fit him. When he said it, I ONLY saw the $; in the natural, we are not in a position to do something like this without forgoing many, many other things. But, not wanting to squelch his rare determination, I went with him to the meeting. This was not a mission trip but rather a personal journey. But in that room, surrounded by a host of people I had never met, I heard God again prompt me to trust him. I knew THIS was right for Joey. His calling, his purpose, NEEDS this drawing near to God. As my mother always says, he is a mighty orator, and HIS life journey WILL be used to benefit the Kingdom.

So, for the first time in my life, I trusted God, not a little, not with a backup plan but I completely neck deep stepped out in faith to make this journey FOR HIM happen. I have fasted and prayed like never before. I have grown in my spiritual walk hands down like never in my entire life. I have had to let go of pride and accept help. I have had to be vulnerable in ways that never seemed safe. Along this journey, I realized it wasn't only about my son. I need this too. I needed to be free of crutches that I have held on to for the last 20 years, believing I was walking in faith, yet always having a security blanket hidden on the side, so to speak. God has a reason for Joey and me to do this now and together. I adore how wise, patient, and loving a God he is. If I had known all these things when we started this journey, I would have gotten in my own way.

To ALL of you who have joined in this journey with your giving, prayers, or encouragement. Joey and I are not only praying for you now but will be taking your names with us and believing that your life will be changed while we are there. To those not invested but taking the time to read this, I pray you are encouraged and hear valuable something to your own life. God is more significant than any person can ever describe. When you truly let him in and walk by faith, it is MIRACULOUS what he will do with EVEN you! 2 days left for the final balance to be due, and we still need to meet our goal. However, I am fully walking by faith that his timing is perfect, and he is not a God of part or some but a God of MORE THAN ENOUGH.

***UPDATE we MADE it. We met our goal and were forever changed by the trip, the journey, and soooo much more!