Double-Dog Dare Ya

James 5:7-8: "Never grow tired of waiting, for the Lord's return is near." While I know that these aren't the exact words of the scripture, I also know that Christ's return is the second part of the first scripture. Those specific words are how I journaled my summary of what it says, written boldly on the top line and giving me cause to pause.

Never grow tired, never grow tired. Tired of hope, tired of people, tired of life's many challenges, tired of the weight life stacks on, tired of the drag against the forward momentum of goals and dreams, tired of striving to be.

Be... Be..... Be what? Be stronger, smarter, more persistent, less irritable, more meaningful, kinder, happier, healthier, wiser, gentler, content, and on, is like a reckless toddler on a rampage. My thoughts are a minefield. Everywhere I turn, it can be safe or it can all blow up. I often feel as though I can never stop calculating, reflecting on, and choosing every step. Is this just me? I rarely come across masses who say yes to that question.

In fact, if there was a word picture that encompasses this space, it would be standing on a cliff with no urgency to move but a choice between the following: jumping off in a sort of reckless abandon, climbing down slowly and methodically though no safety equipment so equal risk, remaining still and unmoved, bungee jumping in a speedy race to the bottom jam-packed with adrenaline and fear, or finally somehow acquiring a glider and enjoying the safe, slow ride.

In an informal survey, only 1 person truly seemed to understand what the heck I was even saying, reinforcing exactly what I knew before I uttered anything. Some days people say, "Wow, your words pierce my soul," and other days, "I have no clue what you even wrote." There is absolutely no middle ground.

* I am certain that this piece of who I am inside has been the case for as long as I can remember. I have an entire notebook of poems, songs, and more from my tumultuous teenage years, and here I am 30 years later feeling much the same, with the added bonus of maturity and experience to level all that out and/or compound it.

Presently, I am training for a 10K. I have taken to listening to Elevation Church sermons as I run to combat the boredom that prevents me from running longer. Yesterday, I did this and the message was called something to the effect of "Step Out of the Shadow." He said, "Without a challenge, there is no change." Over and over, I replayed the phrase each hour the clock ticked.

Much later, alone in my room, I decided to watch a movie. "Best Christmas Ever" on Netflix seemed a good choice since no one else in my house cares for sappy chick flicks. (Side note: If you've lost a child, you WILL cry). It was the gentle trigger of my reality that spurred another reflective whirlwind. I had such big plans for my day, both yesterday and now, neither of which actually took place.

It seems the busyness of life in general allows me to feel as though I have accomplished something and never really touch the list of items I have been putting off. Heck, right now I am avoiding such a list by typing this. "Without challenge, no change" keeps haunting me. I can only change myself, and boy have I been turning myself inside out for years to do just that. Here I sit though, dragging my feet, in the final places that don't come easy.

One thing that never, without ever, wraps up the web of complicated thoughts is a return to the foundation of the Word. I can be neck-deep in quicksand, and eventually, the truth encircles me in its lifesaving goodness. Never grow tired.... of my eye on the prize. James 5:7-8, Galatians 6:9-12, Hebrews 12:1-3 The prize is and always will be Heaven, Jesus, and most notably right now, hugging Michael. It's easy to pin all my sadness and disappointment on losing him. But the truth is, much of this was here ever before he was gone. The challenge to get change is all I can hope for now. Who knew the hard would be a form of hope for change? Not me, but I CAN DO HARD THINGS! I double-dog dare myself.... how about YOU?