Martyr or Maiden

 Comparison is dangerous. On one hand, it can lead to a drive forward, a certain sense of pushing you because others have achieved so, can you? But there is the dark side, where it opens up the door for doubt, anxiety, shame, and a myriad of things too large to list.  

If I am being really honest, my oldest daughter seems to be the pinnacle of all such parenting things simply because she is my namesake, and I wish my life to have all the opportunities that she does. It isn't really about her, but vicariously walking her life in the hopes it becomes what my life hasn't and seemingly won't. I wonder if this is how my mother felt, me being the only child and a daughter to boot. She came from circumstances she wished to not repeat with her family, and I am a product of her survival and prayers. Yet I, too, made many regrettable choices of my own, which landed me in this place. Regret is an awful 5 letter word. Right up there with grief, shame, and .... 

The funny thing is, I can see my other children separate, independent of me, and completely able to encourage their unique path from the sidelines. Why can't I do that with her? Knowledge is the first step, but the action is the rest. She isn't me. I don't want her to be. She will have her own story with those sneaky, evil 5-letter words that I cannot save her from. All I can do is be a safe sounding board, withholding anything that might imply she needs to be concerned about my well-being. THIS is the point that gets me to my title. Martyr or Maiden? I picked the 1st, but she is marrying into a family where the latter is evident. That family rallies, meanwhile, mine just grew distant. We are the rule, not the exception. I tell myself that being a maiden isn't healthy bonding; it is trauma reactions and will come with lifelong consequences to boot. Jealousy may not be a 5-letter word, but it absolutely applies in the midst of the above logic. My whole life has been centered around the notion that I could produce community and family by birthing it. What I lacked was the self-control and wisdom to do what anchors me in the One who embodies that (God) and align with a partner who is on the same path. 

So, here I sit debating martyr or maiden when all I really want is to be loved by Jesus on Earth. The question itself distracts from the only one who can make my dream in the first place. 

Jesus. 

Martyr or Maiden? Neither, just Jesus.