Mommy guilt and MNO

This last month Friday's have become a reprieve, a time for no kids and selfish peace. It wasn't until today that I reflected on such blessings. I went scrapbooking with some wonderful ladies one week, then had date night (dinner and a movie) with hubby the next and this Friday is was mom's night out (MNO). But prior to arriving I was filled with angst. Why is that? Why as a mother is it so difficult to walk away, ever?
Over the years I have allowed this kind of guilt stop me from having a life outside of my kids. Of course, when you become a mom you must change what you do in order to fill the 24 hour/7 day a week role but there is a balance. There is balance to keep you capable of dieing to self more often that not. It really wasn't till I had my 4th that I recognized they needed to see me step away as much as I needed to do it. If I want them to learn to be balanced I must walk the walk and not talk the talk alone.
Since 4/14/2008 hubby and I have traveled without the kids 2x's with another 2 x's planned(one with dates set, one a range of dates). Prior to that we left them and went away together never for more than an evening. Our date nights for the year could be counted on one hand if that. Yes, balance was far from reality back then. Alas, I am learning and despite the child who received a red dot and lied about it, the sister who hit her brother, and the husband who chose the worst timing to "fix" the smoke detectors I still went out. I missed the predinner hike but I made the dinner. I walked away arguing in my head half of the drive before I finally forced myself to pray. I figured in prayer I couldn't think about the reasons I needed to stay home. We have all been there, when you stay home, disappointed others and yourself only at evenings end to realize nothing special happened and then living in regret. A crying child who is certain your leaving means they might not survive, or a husband who seems less than thrilled or possibly incapable of managing the home front. You are tugged from every direction fearing that your moment away will somehow leave a permanent scar. It won't, it is an attack on your emotional well being and subconsciously kids/husbands play on that very well.
Shortly after making my debut at dinner all that angst washed away. We laughed so much my cheeks hurt, we gossiped harmlessly and we bonded in the weirdest of moments. We discussed leakage in several forms, bodily changes and drunk crazy's all around, plus so much more. We had this one particular guy (never did catch his name) who stopped to chat multiple times, sharing his drink to taste with another mom more affluent in this bar/restaurant scene then I. He managed to call me a breeder (4 kids sparks such interesting statements), remark at the feat of being skinny post so MANY kids, and pulled my chair out for me even draping napkin on my lap upon my return from the bathroom. Another of the moms took razzing to new heights, spurring me to tease a bit and remark about her talent in carrying phone/martini glass in her bra similar to Mary Poppins bag. That one carried over so well it appears it stuck. Yep, interesting moments were had and these were just a few. I haven't had any nice nicknames since the fire academy days which I admit was the last time I felt apart of a group.
The Mom's group I am a member of has brought me so much I am eternally grateful. Because of them I feel I belong, I have places to go with people who are like minded, and I have made some of the most wonderful friends. Probably the only sad part of it all is that the ones that I love the best (well most all them for that matter) live too far away to be a part of everyday life. Thank goodness for their blogs or the mom site to stay in touch in between. These ladies are helping me fight the mommy guilt and get to be me, Ebeth, teacher, mother and friend. Eternally grateful that's all I can say.
Now I am awaiting the next MNO or MNI (moms night in)!